What Runners Do When They Can't Run

While puttering around the house one night I suddenly found myself  bouncing down a flight of stairs on my back. This quickly turned into an ambulance ride to ECMC. Prognosis:  three broken ribs, one slightly  punctured lung and a fractured lower vertebrae.

Another words, no running for a few months.

So what do when you're a runner and you're not allowed to run?

Time to write that eBook that's been lurking around your brain.

I've never written an eBook before so I turned to my computer to find out how. The answer was at one of my favorite sources for free kindle books called hundredzeros.com

For the cost of zero dollars I downloaded a book called Building Your Book for Kindle, put out by Kindle Direct Publishing.  It provides step by step instructions on writing, formatting and publishing your eBook.

There many sources out there for self publishing.  Most charge a fee.  Amazon Kindle charges nothing.  Anyone can write and publish an eBook. Whether it's a good book that actually sells is entirely up to you.

Basically, this is what you do.

1. Get yourself a word processing program.  Microsoft Word 2010 is recommended though the earlier versions will work also.  You can also use OpenOffice or LibraOffice.
2. Following the formatting guidelines in the book, write your material. When you are done, proofread it well.
3. Prepare a cover.
4. Upload and check the quality of your book and make any necessary changes.
5. Publish it!

* Detailed instructions for each step are in the book.

**Another good source of information is Amazon's Kindle Publishing Guidelines http://kindlegen.s3.amazonaws.com/AmazonKindlePublishingGuidelines.pdf

Due to my injuries, I'm off of work for the next thirty some days.  So, like the saying goes,

"When you can't run, write." - the golden squirrel

Bob Ivory Race

It was a beautiful, sunny morning in November for the 33rd Annual Bob Ivory 5k at St. Joe's.  It is a Buffalo News Runner Of The Year race that is always well attended.

Running - It's all about friendship,

the quest for excellence

         

 and of course,  the sneakers.                 
                                                    







  

The Ghost Master

It was the night before Halloween.

Scott ran along the canal in the dark, trusting his flashing clip-on light to keep any distracted motorists from running him over.  He kept a more powerful flashlight in his pocket, in case of fog.

He had the street to himself.   "Legend of the Ghostmaster Effect"was what Scott dubbed the empty streets on this rare, warm October night. 



Many years ago a hated postmaster of the local post office was found floating in the canal, the night before Halloween, face down.

The police called it accidental drowning but there were whispers of murder.

Suspects - almost everyone that knew him.  He was not well liked.

Every Halloween Eve since, there were reports of ghost sightings along the canal.  It was said to be the postmaster come back to seek vengeance against his murderer.  As the years went by the legend of the Ghostmaster grew.

But Scott didn't believe in ghost stories.


He listened to the sound of his sneakers hitting the pavement as he enjoyed his solitary run. Thump thump. Thump thump.  Like a pendulum, perfect rhythm.  But then his clip-on light went off.

Annoyed, he hit it with his hand but it stayed dark.

Suddenly there was a wooshing sound from above.  Scott felt the wind twirl around him as the wooshing grew louder.

The wind rushed in at him as a wave crashed out of the canal and soaked him from head to toe.

Wait a minute, thought Scott.  Canals don't have waves.

He stopped running and stood still, feeling the cold water dripping off of him.  Something was very wrong.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a dark shadow coming down at him.  Fast.

Before he could move, the wet, slimy being circled around him and thundered into the back of his knees, sending him sprawling painfully to the ground.

He felt like he was underwater.  He struggled to catch his breath.  He was on land but he was drowning.

He flailed his arms in a wild, desperate attempt to get air but something was holding him down.  His hand bumped the  powerful flashlight in his pocket, tripping it on.


A scream of pain came from the air as Scott was suddenly released from the horrible drowning feeling.

Scott sat on the ground, dazed, searching the area around him with his powerful beam of light.  He  watched in horror as he saw the ghostmaster fade away into the depths of the canal.


When Scott's heart finally stopped racing he gingerly got up off the ground and keeping his flashlight on, began a painful jog back home, vowing never to run on Halloween Eve again.

Happy Halloween

Sand

.It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
Robert Service

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright



 While out for a run on the tow path we spotted the Cannibal at the One Mile Marker.  He was staring down at his hands, mesmerized.


What was he up to now?

Using our Ninja running skills we moved swiftly and silently to where he was resting (Nutjob Ebook Ninja Running Skills coming out soon).

Upon a closer look we saw what was holding his attention.

Cupped in his hands was a granular material composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles.

It was sand.



When  he saw us he hid his guilt with a smile and let the sand trickle discretely through his fingers.

The Cannibal is a crafty one. 

But what did it mean?

What was he thinking?

What was he planning?

 
Only time will tell.

Ravaged By The Beast

The Beast of Burden Summer 100 Ultra Marathon



The day started off innocently enough.  Baba and the Cannibal were happy to snag a picnic table in the shade right next to where we had parked our vehicles.

As it turned out, the shade by our picnic table was the last we would see for the day.

It is wide open along the canal. There are no overhanging trees to duck under or paths that lead you through the cool woods for awhile.  You are at the suns August mercy.

 Blisters, sun poisoning, dehydration, you name it, we got it.

But one of the nice things about an ultra is the social aspect.  You meet people from many walks of life.

At mile three we met Ali.

His philosophy on running was, "There is joy in movement".

His daily workout is to walk three miles, jog three miles and then run three miles.  By the time he has warmed up with the walk and the jog, he can't wait to run.  The joy of movement.



I wish we could have talked with more people along the way but unfortunately misery came pretty early at this one.


Still, when you're running a local race you can always count on your friends to convey those special messages to you, like Richard Clark did to Bob, when we ran into him at Gasport -  "Clyde says to tell you, you suck!"  What a great motivator that was.



Yes, we were ravaged by the beast on Saturday. 


Some days you get the beast and other days the beast gets you.


It had it's way with us on this one but redemption is just a run away, or as the Hashers would say, "On On".

Guest Post - The Cannibal

Special thanks to the Cannibal for the first installment of his Summer Beast Story.  Hey Cannibal,  I forgot to ask, what's the title?

Part I

The Cannibal's eyes slowly fluttered open.  First one and then the other.  His other senses began assessing the situation.  How long had he been asleep by the side of "Clinton's Ditch" in the mud, weeds and assorted goose crap?  He knew that it was probably only twenty minutes but he felt scads better.  True, his legs still screamed with built up lactic acid and his lower back ached from an old kayak mishap, but these were minor inconveniences that would disappear when he ran the last twenty eight miles to cross the finish of the Summer beast 100 mile Run.

As the Cannibal lay in the weeds by the side of the water he sensed something wasn't quite right.  He knew he had a forty five minute lead on Babba so that wasn't it. Something just didn't feel right. There was the sound of the canal water lapping against the rocks on the shore and a bit of light from a waning crescent moon that gave just a hint of visibility to the pitch black surroundings.  He could hear the unsure crunch, crunch of an approaching runner on the Towpath trail.  You could just tell from the uneven sound of the footsteps that he was a 5K Ultra wannabe.  Nothing rhythmic in his gait as his mind wandered amid the pain and darkness.  His glaring headlamp was also a dead giveaway that this was his first attempt at the distance.  As he approached you could hear the faint strains of the Rocky Theme playing on his IPOD.  Jesus, another rookie mistake!

Wait a minute, thought the Cannibal, canal water lapping against the rocks?  The canal water doesn't lap against the rocks out here!  There was no wind and with only a four mile per hour current the canal is usually noiseless.  Not unless. . . .  the hair on the back of his neck was standing up as he moved his head slowly toward the dark channel.

Mr. 5K clomped by, oblivious to the hidden Cannibal, his head bobbing to the IPOD tunes.  he never heard or flinched when a slimy tentacled figure slipped from the inky water enveloping him in its wiggling suction cupped arms.  Horrible sucking sounds and a mild struggle ensued.  The chaos didn't last more than fifteen seconds and the dark figure slithered back into the canal.  it appeared to be swimming west, its appetite partially satiated.


TO BE CONTINUED . . .

The Sidelined Runner

When the doctor's orders are to stop running for a month what do you do?

Well, first of all, you stop running.  But then what?

In the Sound of Music, Maria tells Captain Von Trapp, "Reverend Mother always says when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". 

I don't know if the Cannibal has discussed things with the Reverend Mother or not, but hopefully he has found an open window to get him through this time of non running.

Ice fishing, masonry or maybe a little quilting.  Whatever your fancy, now is the time to try something new.

Because sometimes, "time off" can be your friend.

Bond Lake Dinner

Heavy snow, bitter winds and treacherous roads - what kind of a nut job would go out on a night like that?

A whole lot of them, it turns out. 

It was a great time at the annual Bond Lake Awards Banquet last Saturday night at the Lewiston Brickyard Pub and BBQ.

As always, Jan Jezioro, the toastmaster, kept things lively as he presided over the ceremony.

Warmth and humor were abundant on this cold winter night.  These people embody all that is good about running.

Dark beer, friendship and pulled pork.  Who could ask for more?

Pain

Normally when I discuss pain it has something to with running and the nut jobs that cause it, but today's pain was all my fault.

Instead of going for a run on my day off, I instead went to 

the dentist.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

I am not a dentist kind of person.  Is anybody a dentist kind of person?  If you like going to the dentist, email me.  Type "I like going to the dentist" in the subject line.  You could well be a contender for the 2011 Nut Job of the Year Award.

Anyway, to get through this dreaded appointment I culled my memory bank of lessons learned while running.

When we ran Oil Creek and I found myself running along the cliff of insanity I told myself that if I survived this race I would never be afraid of anything else, ever again.

So this morning while getting ready for my dental appointment I decided to wear the trail shoes that got me out of the mountain at Oil Creek State Park.  Surely the shoes would provide me with the courage I needed.

I also needed a mantra.  I settled on one of my favorite marathon mantras - "this isn't going to hurt at all".

I am happy to report that I survived the ordeal.  Turns out the dental technician was also a runner and talked me through the hour and a half (!) visit with a mind over matter lecture.

Once again, a runner gets me through a difficult time.

Thanks, Shannon.

And thanks, trail shoes.

Musings of a Mule

Is it wrong to not go out for a run when the American flag is flying sideways?


   
Is it wrong to be warm and comfortable?




And is it really all that wrong to just curl up by the fire for the morning with a cup of coffee and a good book?

Apparently it is wrong.  The nut job is on his way over to pick me up for our Sunday morning run.  The thermometer reading is 17  (minus 1  with the wind chill).

It's hell being a runner.

Nut Job Update:

Though no major nut job incidents in January have yet been reported, Baba the Freak has earned a few minor points.

He received his first nut job point by getting a haircut at Sully's and then walking off without paying for it (rumor has it, Sullivan's Barber Shop now has a prepay policy).

Then he scored a half point by showing up for a run with two left gloves.  Kind of a feeble attempt at the 2011 Nut Job of the Year award, but hey, it's a start.

Have you done anything "nut job worthy" lately?  Let me know so I can pass the information on to the judges.  Let's get those nut job points rolling.

The Golden Squirrel Presentation

It all began properly enough at the presentation of the Golden Squirrel Awards on Sunday.  

Last year's winner paid his respect to "The Master Squirrel", as was custom, remembering to kneel in the snow in homage to the suffering of nut job runners worldwide.

But then it came time to hand the coveted statue over to the new victor.

And that's when it got ugly.

The red eyes glowed on the squirrel as it smelled the scent of a battle.

Handing over the title is never an easy thing.

Shiva the Destroyer faced off against the Cannibal.

They fought with a viciousness unusual to see in a church parking lot.  

But what could have escalated into an epic battle was quickly downgraded to a misunderstanding on the Cannibals part as he was persuasively led to realize that it was time to give up the squirrel.




After claiming her hard earned statue, Shiva went off on her own to reflect on what this new honor would mean in her life.  Would it change her?  Would she succumb to the squirrel's strange and evil ways?  Only time will tell.

 

Meanwhile, the losers took to the tow path to drown their sorrows in the wind and snow.

And so a new year begins.

Nutgate

2009 Nut Job of the Year

There are three months left in the year.  And you know what that means.  Three months left till the 2010 Nut Job of the Year Award is decided.

It is hoped that all involved will be professional and respectful of the man, woman or beast most deserving of the title.  But having spent time with the nominees, frankly, I'm worried.

It's rumored that somebody (the Cannibal) is planting monitoring devices in the competition's clothing.

Baba the Freak was the first such victim.   "I feel so violated," he said, after discovering a GPS Spy Cam in his shorts.

And what about poor Raja Runalot who awoke in the middle of the night to find his fellow nut jobs sifting through his running log?!

Come on guys.  Sure, it's a prestigious award, but isn't friendship more important than fleeting glory?

There are three months to go before the golden squirrel is awarded.  Let's make these a warm and fuzzy three months.

By the way, great link from Shiva the Destroyer for working your core muscles:  http://www.mytrainerbob.com/blog-posts/fitness-deconstructed-planks.

Thanks Shiva.

Two weeks till Oil Creek 100 Trail Runs!

Secret Training Session Exposed

While running the Erie Canal Tow Path the other day, the Cannibal mentioned his upcoming duathalon in Wilson, NY.

Baba the Freak grew strangely quiet.  I wondered if the rumors were true. 

I had heard from an unnamed source that  Baba was doing some secret training of his own. 

If the Cannibal was doing a duathalon, the story had it, then a triathalon it was for the Freak.  Nothing like a little running rivalry among friends. 

I talked with Baba's Swimming coach to get some answers.

The conversation went something like this:

Me:  "Hey Odie, What's going on?"

Odie:  "Pant, pant, drool . .  arf, arf."

Me:  "Is it true that Baba is secretly training for a Triathalon behind the Cannibals back?"

Odie:  "Arf, arf, pant, drool."

With Odie clamming up tighter than a . . well . . . tighter than  a clam, I decided to do a little photo investigation of my own.

 

As you can see, the Freak is definitely up to something.  I'm thinking a few Woofie treats might loosen Coach Odie's lips.

Stay tuned for breaking news.

Upcoming Ultras:

Summer Beast Of Burden - August 21 - 10:00 AM, Lockport NY

Oil Creek 100 Trail Runs - October 16, Oil Creek State Park PA

Upcoming Road Races:

Old Home Days - July 15th - 6:30 PM, Williamsville NY YMCA

Subaru 4 mile News Runner Of The Year Race - July 16th - 7:00 PM, Buffalo NY

Links I Like:

Stairs Workout

Guess That Emotion

Spawning Season

"I'll love you, dear, I'll love you till China and Africa meet and the river jumps over the mountain and the salmon sing in the street." - W. H. Auden

It's spawning season.  What a great time to be a runner.

Imagine running along the Niagara River when suddenly you hear a splash.  You glance over and see a giant salmon leaping into the air and coming back down into the water with the kind of drama and flair that only a spawning salmon can pull off.


This is what running is all about.  Being outside with nature in all of its wondrous energy.

Today while my feet are hitting the road, I won't be looking for miles, I'll be looking for spawners .

(If anyone has a photo of a spawning fish they would be willing to donate to this article, I sure would appreciate it.)

Upcoming Races:

Lois Koss Memorial Run -  Thursday, June 17th, 6:30 PM
St. Gregory the Great Race - Friday, June 18th, 7:00 PM
MSMH River Run - Saturday, June 19th, 9:00 AM
Jog For The Jake - Sunday, June 20th, 9:300 AM

Interesting Ultras:

Summer Beast Of Burden - Saturday, August 21st
Oil Creek 100 Trail Runs - Saturday, October 16th

Links I Liked:

List of the best 100 novels ever written
100 best movies of all time
Monty Pythons Completely Useless Website 

Thanks for visiting.

- The Mule

The Breath Of The Beast

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." - Alfred Hitchcock


I feel the hot, heavy breath of the beast on the back of my neck.

Every day that passes brings me a day closer to our meeting.  But I am not afraid (well maybe just a little).  I am human and I have strength and I have faith and I have courage.

And most important of all, I have nut job friends to help me through when the insanity level rises over my head.

The Beast is insatiable.  He will swallow you whole if you let Him.

He is hungry and he is mean.  He makes his appearance twice each year.  In February and in August.  The coldest and hottest days of the year.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.

My allies conquered him in the cold.  Now the heat is coming and I will join my noble running adventurers (total nut jobs) and show the beast what we are made of.



Who will survive?  Who will crumble?  Those questions will be answered August 21st.

All I ask is that there be a cold beer waiting at the end of the journey.

Buffalo Hash House Harriers, can you hear me?

Races To Check Out:

JP MorganChase Corporate Challenge - Thursday June 10, 6:45 PM
Susan G Komen Race For The Cure - Saturday June 12, 10:00 AM

Ultras To Check Out:

Summer Beast Of Burden
Oil Creek 100 Trail Runs

Links To Check Out: 

The Virtual Runner Blog List
Lion Warning